The true wisdom of chick emancipation flicks revealed

I was watching yesterday Break-up starring Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn for lack of doing anything worthwhile.

It was fine, going nowhere, but still throwing here and there some interesting moments. Then it ended. And what an enlightening ending.

Let’s revisit the plot. A nowhere going couple gets into a stupid fight, fight that gets stupider by the minute, till the woman has a Buddha flash of wisdom (copious tears all ignored here by me with a quick dash to the fridge for more beer) and they break-up. What caught my attention was the closure moment. They meet again after undefined but not too long period, she is now a successful high flying career woman and the man is kind of nobody, dumbass, at low end of life kinda person.

Moral of the story –Don’t leave a woman because if you leave her she will be successful and you a dumbass jack.

That’s cool. Good for you ladies.

Or maybe I should be selfish and not let you go for my own good.

Hey, hey now wait a minute….but that would mean you still would be good for nothing sorry ass, who I regret meeting in my life and the “living hell” goddess of misery.

I have a vague suspicion that I have missed a very vital point here.

Am I supposed to treat you like dirt so that you succeed or am I supposed to pamper you so that you rot?

Message currently decoded by simple male brain-

1. Mean, selfish men treat their women nicely and ensure women go nowhere, while they do well in their careers and lead a comfortable life.
2. Benevolent, caring, sensitive, gentle men, kick women around, are heartless and insensitive to their needs so that she succeeds.
   

I know there is a catch somewhere there. Could someone explain this conundrum and clear this fog of confusion.

Honest. Honestly?

Is your virtue an offspring of fear?

A lot of us, including me, try to give our meekness a garb of honesty. We all are privy and participants in conversations wherein we crib about the growth of an aggressive, nasty, corrupt person in the organization while we stay on slower, normal curves. And collectively we moan, oh yes, he is growing fast today but in the end honesty shall prevail, the truth will be found out, he/she shall suffer, I will be rewarded, they would realize my worth and the other person’s shallowness.

Ah dear, sorry to disappoint you but that would never happen, you shall rot and he/she shall reign. And before I forget to mention they would prevail thanks to our so called honesty.

Let me try to explain my point with an analogy.

A meek person (the erstwhile believer in his honesty, a term I refuse to employ any longer in reference) is ‘honest’ everywhere. They are followers of law, rules, regulations and the works. Imagine this gentleman driving on a single lane road, staying within the well laid out rules and suddenly he finds a rogue driver trying to overtake him where there is no such scope and at the same time there is a big truck coming from the other side.

How does he react?

Yes, he slows down and allows the rogue driver to overtake and come in front of him.

Who was right, honest?

He was.

Who was wrong?

Rogue driver.

Who won?

Rogue driver.

Why did he win?

Not because honest driver was scared for the other person’s life and that was the right thing to do. He was plain scared of the situation and the possible damage to his car.

And his meekness lead to the rogue driver moving ahead and he falling behind.

As on the road, as in life.

We let them win.

The honest path for the driver would have been to stay on his path and risk the rogue driver hitting his car or ideally dying in a just accident.

Honesty is the toughest thing to practice. Path of honesty is not one of peace; it is violent, blood-spattered, aggressive choice. Only the bravest can take the blows of honesty.

Rest of us are just meek.

So I ask again….

Honest.…..honestly?

I am fine, how are you?

Got this mail as a forward from my wicked dad with a note which read "Could not resist sending this on to you young folks!"

Not sure who wrote it but it would do me good to remember this note for the future not too distant.

I am fine, how are you?

There's nothing the matter with me,
I'm just as healthy as can be,
I have arthritis in both knees,
And when I talk, I talk with a wheeze.
My pulse is weak, my blood is thin,
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.

All my teeth have had to come out,
And my diet I hate to think about.
I'm overweight and I can't get thin,
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.

And arch supports I need for my feet.
Or I wouldn't be able to go out in the street.
Sleep is denied me night after night,
But every morning I find I'm all right.
My memory's failing, my head's in a spin.
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.

Old age is golden I've heard it said,
But sometimes I wonder, as I go to bed.
With my ears in a drawer,
my teeth in a cup,
And my glasses on a shelf, until I get up.
And when sleep dims my eyes, I say to myself,
Is there anything else I should lay on the shelf?

The reason I know my Youth has been spent,
Is my get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went!
But really I don't mind, when I think with a grin,
Of all the places my get-up has been

I get up each morning and dust off my wits,
Pick up the paper and read the obits.
If my name is missing, I'm therefore not dead,
So I eat a good breakfast and jump back into bed.

The moral of this as the tale unfolds,
Is that for you and me, who are growing old.
It is better to say 'I'm fine' with a grin,
Than to let people know the shape we are in.

I AM FINE HOW ARE YOU ?

You are a golfer when....... Concluding Part

Contributed by a Golf Buddy

1. job satisfaction means weekends free for golf and weekdays free for golf research
2. you convince your wife to take up the game, just so you atleast have a 2-ball
3. the most important specification in buying a car is the boot size...it has to take your golf set, your golf cart and your friend's golf set and his golf cart- the words
4. "The woods are lovely dark and deep, and I have miles to go before I sleep" don't mean poetry to you, they just mean that you had a very bad slice on your tee-off
5. your wife stops worrying about you ever having an affair...where's the time for that?
6. "Paradise Lost" means your wife insists on joining you for your regular round of golf...henceforth
7. "Paradise Regained" means she gets pregnant
8. "Paradise Lost Again" means she is pregnant, but not by you...where was the time for 'that'?
9. you judge a man not by the size of his balls but by the brand on his balls
10. the cost on your golf set and equipment actually turns out to be an investment and not a liability
11. the only thing you want when stranded on a desert island is your sand wedge...why give up on all that potential practice?
12. you judge your friends for their easy availability to play golf and for their easy ability to lose always to you
13. all your vacation spots amazingly always seem to have an attached golf course...damn coincidence, you surely didnt plan it that way!
14. you instinctively note less than what you achieved and more than what your playing partner achieved, especially when you are the one keeping scores
15. your handicap is actually your calling card
16. everything else, including the rotation of the earth, is the cause of your disastrous shot, except your lack of skill
17. you start giving advice to your caddy on his game
18. you break 80 eighteen times in a row...till then you are just an intruder on a golf course

The weekend that was

Delightful movies, pleasing company, till I dropped drinking, satisfying conversations, joyful reading…. Just the way weekends should be (and always are) especially when your wife is not around. Wives are delightful creatures but some part of genetic coding gets mutated to one which is a perfect match with that of Hitler and some which has an uncanny resemblance to that of Genghis Khan, post marriage. Despite the threat, weekend of absolute irresponsibility was too tempting to pass by.

Even now as I am writing this, I am fully aware my wife would read it at some point of time but then I am also dumb enough not to absorb in my little male brain, that is not numb with overdose of alcohol and conscious, the repercussions of the wrath of a woman.

Office got over at 1800 hours on Friday and before that calls had been made to the right numbers and plans frozen and the ball rolling. And before the time-space equation adjusts to the new reality and Einstein’s relativity I was standing in front of Koshy’s and sooner than earth could turn another degree a glass of chilled beer was inches away from my lips. For the next 3 hours the only time I exercised my vocal chords was to order more beer. Time to pay a zillion rupee bill and just then a friend, a true friend, a dear friend, god bless him friend, walked in and took the tab (I told you it was a great weekend). From there still with a steady mind (or so I believe) oscillating a little bit on unsteady legs I went for Sarkar Raj.

Detour 1: Review of Sarkar Raj

Before I start with the review, lemme share my parameters of evaluating a movie. While watching any movie, the joy or disappointment can emanate from various reasons – technique, story, novelty, acting, style, idea or a combination of these - I am an average cinephile and no critic. I do not seek a perfect movie, I can love a movie just for a very small interesting moment.

Sarkar Raj is an extremely satisfying experience. It is absorbing political-criminal thriller executed in a manner which does justice to the genre. Political thrillers require scale, multiple threads, conspiracies, surprises, twists, grey areas, machinations which are not obvious to the naked eye, behind the scene negotiations, drama, loss of innocence, tragedy of epic scale -all this when the viewer looks at the obvious and makes obvious conclusions. The skill of the director is in bringing all the threads together in a cohesive manner which will ensure each scene is played again in viewer's mind and finally understood. The mind should gasp when the curtain is finally raised and amidst tragedy the end must offer a poetic and complete justice. Where an average film achieves this through pulping the villain, Sarkar Raj achieves in exactly 3 seconds. A turn of camera angle, click of light and you know it’s done, revenge, wrath, justice achieved in that short defining moment.

Ram Gopal Varma achieves all this to such a scale that as a viewer you should be generous enough to overlook the obvious flaws in the story or characters or his indulgence as a director of overplaying some scenes with Amitabh or his over-crafting of some scenes.
As a viewer just enjoy the story and ignore other paraphernalia.

End of detour 1

In between the detour there was a short interval which was well utilized by raising the alcohol level to another abnormal level – thanks to another, God bless him friend.

Sub note: In what you have read so far and what you would read further, you would find a trillion screaming subtle reasons on why men should marry and why wives should never leave men alone for longer than 5 minutes (that too only when husband has trustworthy track record of longer than 6 ½ years). This post is truly an ode to all the wives all over the world.
We are now at the end of Friday night or were it Saturday morning by now.

Reached late, got up early, had an early meeting with someone at 10.00am. Reached there on time, finished it quickly and walked towards my car. I had to buy some stuff for my daughter’s 1st day at school. I could have bought that from any store but decided to go to my favourite book store, with a promise to myself since I had really splurged money this month, I would just look at the books and not buy any. Honestly, I made that promise. Exit after 1 hour after spending Rs 1878 – Rs 50 for Avni’s stuff and balance small change on extremely vital, life saving critical books (Return of Dark Knight and two books from Discworld series).

As I stood waiting, the god bless him friend (1st one, who paid for alcohol not the 2nd one, though he also paid for alcohol) called. He had managed to get three tickets for Aamir and I was supposed to collect them before 12. Pronto I reached the Cineplex collected the tickets and stood there waiting for him to join. Now as I stood there, involuntarily, from the corner of my eye I caught a very attractive signage – Bull & Bush, pub and restaurant. I didn’t see it, these eyes showed it to me and formed an inverted image on the retina which was made straight by the brain and then the image decided to play havoc with my strong resilient mind. So after a long debate and counter-arguments that lasted 7¾ seconds I found myself ordering beer. Time was short, movie was starting in 30 minutes, I really had no choice but to drink quickly. It was painful, joyless exercise. I was not even able to breathe properly between two sips. But a man gotta do what a man gotta do. I did it. I moved from the plane of senses to delirium at the same speed as a married man would whenever, wherever left alone (this is another of those subtle hints). Can’t disappoint the brethren.

Detour No. 2 – Review of Aamir

I do not care what the reviewers write about it or the movie-buffs call it a copy of Cavite, according to me this is the movie of the decade. Relevant, timely, compelling cinema - Amazingly crafted, soulfully enacted, significant story, haunting music and beautifully shot. I am sure some of you know the meaning of the word aamir (and in case you like me do not know, don’t google it, the impact of the movie would be even better) but when the final shot the title comes on the screen you would realize why the movie is called Aamir.
It is a story of a Muslim doctor who comes back from UK and finds no one from his family to receive him. Out of the blue two guys come and throw a cell phone at him and the cat & mouse chase starts. The man on the other end (menacing Gajraj Rao) asks him to follow his instructions. He takes the protagonist on a wild chase and in the process numbs his mind. Numbs to the state where cohesive thinking is lead astray and in its place survival becomes the lone objective, a form of brain-washing, torture turning the victim a mere puppet in the hands of the master . At this point the movie moves towards the climax, climax which hopes for a better future - An appeal for a better choice. I wish someone would have the courage to make a similar story about Hinduism.

My advise watch it.

End of Detour No. 2

So we came of the hall in a heightened state of delirium and this friend turns and says he knows Gajraj Rao. We made him call him and screamed our praises in a collective din –not sure he heard them as a praise or abuse. But that call made it perfect, to be able to tell an actor how much I loved his performance.

From this point onwards it was all downwards as we paid our obeisance to Lord Bacchus. Our devout, dedicated devotion was well received and we were rewarded with complete clouding and obfuscation of rational thought. In a trance and under his will we moved from one place to another and paying our respects with every color to every taste the he was benevolent to offer on the table till we were satiated with his munificent, bountiful Prasad and in could only say in praise a loud snore lying on the floor. One of us even returned some of it after accepting it.

All the drinks were courtsey God bless them friends 3,4 & 5. 2 was not there and 1 was enjoying God bless them moment himself.

Few hours are missing at this point. But at some point I found myself waking up on the back side of the car.

We are now at the end of Saturday night or were it Sunday morning by now.

Sunday never started it had actually ended on Saturday night itself.

I somehow managed to drag myself up sometime in the afternoon, drove back home, took out the life saving books, which I had managed not to lose, and read and slept and read and slept and slept and slept, till now.

So darling wife come back quickly before I kill myself.

P.S: I told you I should come along.

You know you are a golfer when....... (Part II)

Contributed by Champ, THE Golf Buddy

1. You practice your golf swing everywhere – inside a loo, a conference room, a shopping mall, the parking lot…
2. Everything around your office environs feels like a golf course. The plant on the hallway – a tree hazard. The boss’s cube – a giant pit (avoid! avoid!). The narrow carpeted passages between cubicles – a beautiful fairway…
3. Honesty and fair play comes naturally.
4. Your wardrobe does not have the following items: Jeans, round neck tees, baggy pants…
5. Driving to the course at 4:00 am in the morning to chase a golf ball for 4 hours seems to be the most normal thing to you.
6. All your vacations are planned on the basis of proximity to a golf course. No course? No go!
7. You always carry the absolute essentials when going on a business trip – money, ID, blackberry, one glove.
8. You have an Excel sheet of all the scores of your last 52 games, complete with graphs, charts and SWOT analysis.
9. You take a break from this post at this point, and tell your friend that “Hey, I am done with the front nine, back nine to go”
10. You love nature. From within.
11. You realize that in golf, as in life, sometimes you are ahead, sometimes you are behind, the race is long…and the at the end, is only with yourself.
12. You go to pick up your buddy on a Saturday morning, you honk the horn, he comes out with his golf set on his back, and the cap on his head, and you drive off – and you know that, right at that moment, life cannot get better. (Note: This is a quote from Baz Luhrmanns song "Wear Sunscreen". http://www.lyricscrawler.com/song/3953.html)
13. Your favorite ads are those from Accenture. You wonder why they are not nominated to the Oscars.
14. Your idea of a fun weekend is to go to the golf practice range and watch others hit. And marvel at the flight of a golf ball that has been hit well. You can sit and watch for hours!
15. Your dream house is on a golf course. Facing the 18th green. So are all your golf buddy’s dream houses…
16. When you buy a new car, the first thing you check out is the boot space – how many sets can I fit into this thing? Will it fit three sets? And a cart? A friend’s cart?
17. Sometimes, grass can be more precious to you than gold. Especially if its grass from St. Andrews Golf Course. The Madikeri golf club has some of it, carefully placed in a jar for all true golfers to see and admire.
18. It takes you 18 days to write this, and you thoroughly enjoy every one of those 18 days.