Parent Trap

A conversation between me and my little less than 2 year old daughter.

Me (with one finger raised): "Avni, what is this?"

Avni: "One"

Me (two fingers raised): "This?"

Avni: "Two"

Me (three fingers raised): "This?"

Avni: "Three"

Me (four fingers raised): "This?"

Avni: "Four"

Me (open palm): "This?"

Avni: "Hand"

Love Story

He sat still with a knife on his wrist.

He remembered the dream life, the joyful mornings and the tempestuous nights, the sunny silences and the stormy fights, the loving kiss and the passionate bite. He remembered every moment.

And he remembered the fateful night.

A single tear dropped from his eye.

“If not together in life, we will still meet”

At the first drop of blood I slowly moved towards him.

Sad they will never meet again.

Writer

“The role of a writer is not to say what we all can say but what we are unable to say”.. Anais Nin

Mr. Death

He was death.

Mr. Death.

Or that’s how he imagined himself to be.

The snatcher.

The cruel.

The unexpected surprise.

That unwanted guest.

I heard him once.

“Life.

When I was born I was not a beginning of a dream.

I was condemned to a nightmare, waiting to wake up.

What is life?

Nothing but a delusion.

A trick, a cheap trick conjured by an amateur magician.

An illusion.

They say find a reason to live.

They say find purpose.

Hypnotized hoodwinked fools.

I will find them and I will wake them up.

I will find them all.

One by one.

Life does not begin.

It ends.

.”

He stalked the day.

Babies.

Blooming love.

Carefree youth.

Joyous families.

Indulging rich.

Besieged poor .

Life.

He would never know.

He would never understand.

One day I plucked him as gently as everyone else before him.

And everyone after him.

Voice

Scratch. Scratch.

You can feel something gnawing from inside.

Feeling of restlessness.

You want to say something.

But no words come out.

Mind seeks meaning.

Body seeks redemption.

Empty world.

Shallow soul.

Meaningless life.

I was not meant to be this way.

This is not me.

I see a stranger everyday in the mirror with a familiar face.

Sell soap.

Pander beauty.

Where are the lost causes?

Unheard screams?

I must.

I would.

I will find my voice once again.

Octoberfest 2007

Ah, the pleasures and the perils of drinking.

I finally know how much beer this alcohol worn body can still take.

It is 330 ml x 20 glasses.

I plan to break this record next year without falling on my face (unlike this year).

P.S: Make it part of your calendar next year. Any reason is fine...beer, music, women

I Know

Nature exits.

So do artists.

Nature.

God.

No reason asked, no reason given.

Sourabh, Sudip and Venkat - Thank you.

I was there

I was maybe a blink on the TRP of Zee Saragama but I was there.

I heard Anik, Raja, Poonam and Amanat perform on the same stage.

I will never say anything better on my blog.

Intelligence

Never mistake intelligence and juxtaposing your opinion of what is intelligent as same things.

One is a fact, other just an assumption.

Mr. Richards

I don't know how many of you have seen this ad and i don't remember the product except that it is for some bike model from Hero Honda.

The ad shows this guy rejecting the job offer from some Mr. Richards.

While watching this ad I wished he had accepted the offer.

You need to watch the disdain and the non-chalance with which he tears the letter and just throws the litter on the street and zooms away and you can still see the little pieces of paper getting scattered around (probably screaming it's not our fault, please throw us in the dustbin)

It would be good to get rid of junk like that from the country.

Black & White

Just wondering, black and white is supposedly a classic combination.

In sartorial sense, when you see a white guy dresssed in black he looks pretty neat but how come the reverse is not true.

Nothing is more hideous to see a dark indian dressed in surf washed white clothes.

I wonder.

Young men and Old boys

Men in their 30, 40 today behave, dress, think like teenagers. And feel proud of the fact.

It is an interesting phenomenon and requires some introspection.

I am going to suggest one theory, see if you find it interesting.

For any behaviour to become permanent it requires time. Only when your mind is in a steady state it becomes stable and is longer transient.

Till a decade back, couple of years here and there, men never had this stable state. Babies, then it was school time, then the pressure of college, immediately after college the struggle for a job, as soon as job was secured, it was marriage time, and within a year one had babies, then the babies turned young, struggle for their school, education, then career, marriage and before they realised they were grandfathers and a couple of years (again ignoring some years here and there) they were dead.

See the cycle again, no phase lasted longer than 3-4 years.

Against that today, there is a long gap after job before men move to the next challenge of life, and mind you I'm not talking about marriage.

They for a long time stay in the young,independent,financially stable, no responsibilty, hedonistic state of mind - The boy mindset.

The changed social mores have ensured that society will spiral down to more juvenile and frivolous mindset. This also means society would lose serious and mature thinkers, people who can help the world improve and evolve.

Naughtier minds, dangerous toys.

So yea old boy, drop that playstation, now don't pick up that bazooka either, it's time to grow up.

Gangaram

It happened such a long time back.

Like yesterday.

Gangaram wanted to die. He had lived once.

When Gangaram was young he had only one dream, to be a soldier.

He was born poor and was an orphan.

Rejected by his parents at birth.

It would have been so easy for him to embrace me. When nobody wanted him, I was there for him.

But he fought me from the beginning.

He hurt my ego.

Maybe to be a soldier was his destiny.

Gangaram, the foot soldier.

First in the line.

Challenging me, mocking me.

So close, still so far.

Always just beyond my reach.

It was not the time. I knew I will have him one day but never on that day.

He was never afraid of me.

Then a strange thing happened. We became friends.

We started riding together.

Other soldiers wanted to stand next to him on the battleground, he always came back.

He had new friends.

He was popular.

He was somebody.

He thought he was living.

But now he was scared of me.

I who was so close to him, his first enemy, his first friend.

This time he did not fight me.

He rejected me.

He had hurt me again.

Then one day fate dealt a cruel blow.

His lost his fighting arm.

His reason, his identity, his life.

If I was there I would have made it easier for him.

Soldiers want to die as soldiers.

He called me, he begged me.

Today he wanted me.

I refused to oblige the old friend.

Everyone doesn’t hope to live.

Some hope to die.

Gangaram. The proud Gangaram.

The soldier, now an object of pity.

I am cruel.

I am proud.

I wanted my revenge.

My revenge was to let him live.

We were again there from where we started.

We fought again and this time I won.

I waited till there was no life left in him.

I didn’t kill him, I killed his spirit.

He was born unwanted and he died unwanted.

The lonely flower

Flowers are not an entity but a concept.

An idea that transcends reality.

Flowers are a manifestation of what is normally hidden from us by nature.

They are the touch of lovers, they are lost memories, they are the joy of a child, they are the ecstasy of meeting & the sadness of leaving, and they are hope, desire, success, faith, love.

They give meaning to life and they are the meaning of life.

No one knows how he came into being in middle of nowhere.

But he was there resplendent in his colors.

Full of life, sure of his destiny.

But he was lonely.

He still wasn’t a flower.

He desired to be a flower and its meaning.

Desire is life’s biggest folly and strongest ally.

Days passed, weeks passed.

He knew he didn’t have much time.

He could sense me, feel me waiting patiently.

He would push himself a little higher, blush a little stronger.

Not yet, he would say.

One day he could see them.

The little brother and sister, jumping all over, playing while their father stood in a corner looking at them with indulgent eyes.

But he was too far away. They could not see him.

He tried to push himself from behind the stones.

Then they saw him and together ran towards him.

And together gleefully they blew away his drying petals.

He smiled and came in my arms.

Sometimes you live your life in a moment.

Spent

I read a book yesterday, and I am still trying to understand why does that book exist.

The book in question is Spent by Joe Matt, technically it falls under the category of a Graphic novel or sequential art or illustrated novel or a comic (whichever term you are comfortable with).

But for me it is none of above, true it has panels, there are characters, dialogues everything but the question that still begs to be answered is why?

It is not a unsatisfying book either, it was fun to read, it had its poignancy, witty conversations, character definitions, everything that a conventional book should have but the question still remains why?

So many whys?

Let me explain the plot in brief so that you can understand my confusion better and hopefully as I write it I would be able to fathom its rationale and its raison-d-etre (i hope I spelled it right).

The book is about the author's obsessive-compulsive behaviour and the twelve years he spent in Canada as an illegal resident there.

These are just some facts, the book does not delve on all of these facts.

It is primarily about the author and his personality. It starts from no where (actually in a book store where author is with one of his friends and he discovers one of the comic books that his friend is fond of and he buys the only copy available to infuriate him) and is focused on the author's addiction to pornographic movies and masturbation.

Joe Matt has projected himself as a loner due to his unnatural addiction,unable to find a steady girlfriend (he made his last one leave to pursue his self-afflicted carnal pleasures). He spends most of the time editing porn movies to have the purest collection of the best scenes and the best basest women. He is the miser to the extent of not eating food,staying in a sub-human dingy accomodation, he is a socio-path to the extent that he keeps jars to pee in his room, so that he doesn't have to meet his landlady or other inhabitants in the paid accomodation (they share a common loo). He does this despite being decently off. He refuses to spend any money, tries to fleece his friends and has only two pre-occupations, thinking about sex and money.He is so very addicted to these that he even compromises his career (as a graphic novelist) and has not done anything for years (he apparently spent lots of years on this book, which could have been possible in months).

Nothing wrong, these all can be and are interesting premises to create an interesting story (which he has).

So why I am perplexed or disturbed by this book?

What I am unable to fathom is the extent to which the author willing to depreciate himself in the public eye. He is not ashamed to embarass himself and lay bare his darkest thoughts. He is willing to show (it's a graphic novel) his sexual organs, the way he masturbates, his selfish focus on himself and his needs.

All laid bare for public ridicule.

This humilation is so dark, so stark, that the fact suddenly seems fictional.

Is it real or an alternate fiction diguised as a biography?

I wonder and I reel.

I will clean the puke from my carpet in the evening.

Passion

Passion.

Such a commonly used word.

Passion for life.

Passion in life.

Do things passionately.

He is such a passionate worker.

Passionate lover.

Passionate spectator.

Fact is, despite its liberal usage, passion probably is the hardest to define, forget practice.

Passion is a commitment.

It gives meaning to life and is the meaning of life.

It's not about doing something or anything well. It is also not even about enjoying something.

It is loving it, loving it more than anything else in life.

People generally say the word passion, while actually mean desire.

Desire is a thought, empty, meaningless, an end without beginning.

People seek life and look outwards for it. At friends, icons, symbols, they project others life, their world, their reality their passion unto themselves.

Another fallacy which is associated with passion is success. Success defines passion.

Success is external.

Passion is I, within & without.

It can be enjoyed with many but shared with none.

Seek passion, revel in passion, wallow in passion, burn yourself.

So what is passion?

It is nothing or everything. Because it is you.

And the day you find yourself, (to paraphrase a friend) you will leave your footprints on the sands of time.

FAHRENHEIT 451

If you want a commentary on modern life, there might be no superior book than FAHRENHEIT 451.

Extract from the book-


"We know how to nip most of them in the bud, early. You can't build a house without nails and wood. If you don't want a house built, hide the nails and wood. If you don't want a man unhappy politically, don't give him two sides to a question to worry him; give him one. Better yet, give him none. Let him forget there is such a thing as war. If the Government is inefficient, top heavy, and tax mad, better it be all those than that people worry over it. Peace, Montag. Give the people contests they win by remembering the words to more popular songs or the names of state capitals or how much corn Iowa grew last year. Cram them full of non? combustible data, chock them so damned full of 'facts' they feel stuffed, but absolutely 'brilliant' with information. Then they'll feel they're thinking, they'll get a sense of motion without moving. And they'll be happy, because facts of that sort don't change. Don't give them any slippery stuff like philosophy or sociology to tie things up with. That way lies melancholy. Any man who can take a TV wall apart and put it back together again, and most men can nowadays, is happier than any man who tries to slide rule, measure, and equate the universe, which just won't be measured or equated without making man feel bestial and lonely. I know, I've tried it; to hell with it. So bring on your clubs and parties, your acrobats and magicians, your dare-devils, jet cars, motor cycle helicopters, your sex and heroin, more of everything to do with automatic reflex. If the drama is bad, if the film says nothing, if the play is hollow, sting me with the theremin, loudly. I'll think I'm responding to the play, when it's only a tactile reaction to vibration. But I don't care. I just like solid entertainment."

Tragic but true. In our hearts we always suspected that we lead a shallow life but the book makes us aware of the abysmal depths we have plunged to.

I am less Indian

Indians in company of foreigners try to emphasize only on one point that they are more like them than the uncouth,uncultured Indians.

Yes I am an Indian but I am less Indian.

Can we stoop any lower?

Sanjay Dutt

For the last two days there is debate on every news channel whether the court verdict on Sanjay Dutt is fair.

Let me say in the beginning that I belong to the group that belives he should have been freed and my opinion is biased since I have been his fan for the last 20 years.

I have two rationale for believing this-

Rationale 1: The purpose of law is not to punish the individual but the act. This means either there should be an action of malice or an intent of malice.

Now it is easy to say that how can one prove whether an action would or would not lead to the wrongdoing (in this case Sanjay Dutt possessing the gun).

In normal circumstances (with common citizens) it might be difficult to differentiate but with a celebrity, whose every action has been in public eye for the last 48 years, it is easier to establish the intent.

Also unlike Salman "Black Buck" Khan where the illegal activity actually caused harm, there is no reason to believe that it would have led to any action.

The history of entertainment from Sinatara to Sanjay is full of such stupid follies.

I firmly believe that the very foundation of justice has been ignored through this judgement.

Rationale 2: There should be different laws for such entertainers. As simple as that.

I apologise if I have offended anyone.

The civil civil-servant

I was talking to a Gentleman who was a government employee sometime back and now works for the same organization where I am employed.

This esteemed ex-civil-servant was ruing the day he decided to quit the govt. job to join a private entity and how humiliating it has been for him to work since then.

He continued in the same breath, that when he was with the govt. how he could make people wait or not meet them at all for no rhyme or reason. Also either those guys followed (rather obeyed) what he said else they were just thrown.

The first thought that came to my mind was “Good For You”.

But not really, he has only changed the job, not the attitude.

Some people the more they change, the more they remain the same.